That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
