Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize