Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
