I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
