It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
