Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
