The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize