Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
