This is not my ceiling
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
