all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
