how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
