omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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