just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
