My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
