yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
