Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
