Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
