Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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