i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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