I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
