A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
