Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
