Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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