How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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