I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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