i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
