i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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