My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So vagazzling was a success
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
