Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
