Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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