I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
