My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
