she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
