My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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