Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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