All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
