She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
