He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
