Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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