On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
