I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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