Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
