I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
