wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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