saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
