I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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