Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
