i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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