but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Randomize
