don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
