our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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