Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I believe in your delicious
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
