Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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