Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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