He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
