He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
