two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
