I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
