She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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