Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
