Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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